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Gov. Jim Doyle has recognized a Holmen couple for their commitment to taking care of foster children. Suanne Kraft and Mike Heal received the Governor’s 2009 Foster Parent Award “for their commitment to providing foster children in their care with a safe, loving home and creating stability in their lives.”
The couple, who are both 50 and have been together for 24 years, think one of the best things they do for the children in their care is model a good relationship. “The bedrock of our success is communication,” said stay-at-home dad Mike Heal. “We talk about everything.
“The kids see us as a couple,” said his partner Suanne Kraft. “We are modeling partnerships with our behaviors.”
The children may see them as a couple, but they see themselves as an important transition stage. “We’re the peanut butter between two pieces of bread,” Kraft said. “One slice is bad, the other better.”
Heal said he was shocked to learn about the award, which they never heard of before getting it. “I always thought there were other more deserving people.”
Kraft agreed. “I started to cry. I was quite humbled by it. There are some really great people doing foster care. I never felt we were in that league.”
It hasn’t always been smooth sailing in the 10 years they have foster-parented 23 children in La Crosse County.
“At first the county provided no training,” Kraft said. The couple helped the county develop training and over the years they have served as teachers who train new foster parents.
“Without training, it’s difficult,” Kraft said. “These are not Campbell soup kids. They’ve seen or experienced more in their lives than we ever have.”
Heal said over the years he’s noticed the kids come to them with more emotional baggage than when they first started foster parenting.
“We’ve dealt with kids who have been abused, sexually and physically, and neglected,” Heal said. “We haven’t had a kid yet without sexual abuse.”
The couple learned they just have to patiently hunt around and get to know the child and make the child feel safe before he or she will open up to them.
One child they remember was a 5-year-old girl who couldn’t cry. Kraft found her whimpering as she huddled in the middle of her bedroom floor. Finally, after Kraft told her it was OK if she cried, she said she didn’t know how. The little girl wasn’t allowed to cry and had never learned how.
Heal and Kraft said shortly after that, they were all watching the movie “Titanic” when the little girl started crying with them. They all whooped it up and celebrated her crying with an ice cream treat.
The first priority for the couple is to make the child feel safe. “We remind people it’s about building a relationship with the child and their parents. Otherwise you have no credibility,” Kraft said. “We work diligently at building a relationship and building self-esteem. We have to provide a foundation, create somewhere to start. We have rules surrounding safety. We have to build that safety net first.”
One way to get children to open up is having them help Heal around the house. Heal is a quadriplegic, making the couple’s efforts even more remarkable. They have found the children respond well to his asking for help.
“Kids have an inner desire to please and help and Mike can always find things to help with,” Kraft said. “They take great joy in helping and engaging as part of the family.”
Heal became a quadriplegic after a diving accident the day after his 18th birthday.
The family, foster children and all, is ready and able to deal with the challenges. Heal keeps the household running, getting dinner started, making sure the children are getting their homework done.
Kraft is an administrator in Gundersen Lutheran’s behavioral health department.
Heal and Kraft are taking a hiatus from foster-parenting because of some health issues Heal is experiencing.
They couple also has two daughters of their own who are both grown and out of the house. It was when their first daughter left for college that Heal and Kraft first thought about being foster parents. They realized they had an empty room and they saw a church bulletin announcing the need for foster parents.
Kraft said she remembered when she was growing up in Iowa, a member of the church she attended took in foster kids. “I remember thinking what a wonderful thing that was for her to do,” Kraft said.
The recognition from Doyle for their commitment to children has provided the couple with a reason to be reflective. When asked what they have learned, Kraft replied, “There, but for the grace of God, go I.” Kraft said. She said she has learned more patience than she ever thought she had.
“There is nothing so important as a smile on a child,” Kraft said. “Through all the yuck and the difficulties — and they are the minority — the gifts we’ve been given from their love and kindness are the rewards.”
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